July 9th, 2010

“Dr. Samantha” sounds far better than “Samantha, MLIS”

I’m wavering back to a Masters in Library Science. Again. The end goal for this scenario is for a doctrate in MLIS or Information Sciences…if finances allow. I’d be able to teach if I wanted at a post secondary institution, eventually. In the meantime, I could specialize in a particular subset of libraries (music, medical, law, art, etc.) with the Masters and my meandering ever-expanding Bachelors. Bah, but then again, do I *want* to be added to Chibi’s collection of friends-turned-librarians?

It comes back to finding a LIS phD program to work towards…

July 5th, 2010

It’s semi-official…

Dear Samantha,

We received your transcript from VSU, and you will be receiving your acceptance letter in the mail within a few days…Congratulations on your acceptance, and have a wonderful day!

Sincerely,

—-

Officially I’m back, but financially I may still be up the creek.

Starting to worry that Grad School is a pipe dream now….let alone figuring out what field to study. It always comes back to $$.

June 23rd, 2010

Still on a PC slant with a dollop of DH on top. VSU financial cow (she was just rude, no other way to explain it) deemed me not worth reinstating. I’m not attending VSU this fall. It hasn’t hit me fully yet so I’m taking this numb feeling and just trying to distract myself.

I hate money. I hate it when I have it because it gets spent. When I dont have it, its even worse.

June 7th, 2010

A month…

Still waiting for VSU FA committee to render a decision on my future. Dad’s back in the hospital and his prognosis looks worse and worse with each passing day. And I’ve developed a Phil Collins’ fixation.

I really don’t know which is going to end me first.

May 4th, 2010

Steps

I’m still not sure how I feel about Kim changing jobs so soon after we started our work together. Maybe someone new is a good thing and will be an exercise in change and being able to work towards handling stress better. I dunno. I’m still kinda meh on the subject. I like her, shes got energy that I really wish I could siphon off.

I’ve started the process of gathering “documentation” for the financial aid petition. It seems like I would need an encyclopedia of papers to back up my case but maybe just the diagnostic is only what I need. Besides my narrative. Which my stomach is turning now thinking about writing. Why do I get such a physical reaction to doing things that can only lead to good things for myself?

What the hell am I afraid of?

Dad looked better today. I think the flourescent lighing at Evergreen made us all look haggard and not healthy. He was out in the yard in his pickup truck moving trash. He had much better colour on his face. Now it’s back to the waiting game for the results of his CT scan on Monday. He deserves to be healthy again. God knows he worked so hard to support us all.

My car is fine, Dad. I know you’re worried about me and think that anything outside of Thomas County is a danger to me, but I’m going to be ok. If you can’t believe that how can I ever believe it? I know you’re worried about me, but I have to grow up sometime and it wont be in Pavo. I live inside this warped cocoon and Im staying stagnant yet everyone I know is changing. I don’t want to be 40 and still stuck.  I don’t think I’d live that long living this way.

After R, S and I returned home from Dad’s party, they went out with S’s metal detector to search for Louie’s lost name tag. They didn’t find it, but Im touched they remembered.  Maybe he lost it in the house before he died and I’ve yet to come across it.

April 24th, 2010

A break from reality

So I’ve spent the last week or so not writing in my notebook and barely writing on here. I’ve repeated my goodbyes to Louie and rambled about my state of mind during those days. Am I any better this week? Unless someone asks me directly what’s going on, I try not to dwell on Louie being gone. I’ve spent more time keeping an eye on Treyford; paying attention to his pained whining and his not wanting to eat much of anything. Am I worried about him? I think he misses his packmate and doesnt know what to do with himself without Louie around to give him a role to play. I sound like Im channeling Ceasar the Dog Whisperer but I have a feeling that that is what’s going on with the labrador.

R suggested that we think about getting Trey a younger playmate. The idea of getting another dog isn’t something that >I’m< ready for. I don’t think Trey would take well to another dog if he’s already suffering from stress. This is the same dog that bit me and I took his testicals away to calm him down. I think I know him well enough to figure out how to get him through this. Another dog, although we have the space and the care for an animal in need, just isn’t what we need right now. It’s the same mentality that Dad had when we got Eddie so soon after Brownie passed so horribly.

Ok, so I’m still venting out some of this grief.

I really don’t know who the hell is coming to this site, but you’re just wasting your time thinking you’re gonna find anything special or illicit.

I need to get to working on the CD for Dad, the test for Kelly and the want-to-do list for Kimberly. Three tasks that I agreed to do, why can’t I light a fire under my ass and get them done? I listened to the requests and said yes willingly, but there’s just no drive to get them done.

I keep looking at computer manufacturers’ websites with the hope that one day soon I can get a new system and replace my Alienware. I’ve written about my laptop before,  its still a good computer if I don’t need to rely on it. Games or anything that doesn’t require storage as my computer keeps requiring reformatting from time to time.

Chibi recently got a Sony Vaio Z. I have to admit, the E series is up my ally. Yes, I will have to have the matching pink keyboard cover.

Thank God Its PINK!

  • Intel® Core™ i5-520M processor (2.40GHz) with Turbo Boost up to 2.93GHz
  • Genuine Windows® 7 Professional 64-bit
  • Hibiscus Pink
  • Pink Keyboard Skin
  • 500GB Hard Disk Drive (5400rpm)
  • 8GB (4GBx2) DDR3-SDRAM-1066
  • ATI Mobility Radeon™ HD 5470 GPU (512MB VRAM)
  • Blu-ray Disc™ player/burner
  • Fresh Start
  • No additional Office Software
  • No additional AntiVirus Software

  • Engraving
  • Large Capacity Battery
April 16th, 2010

I’m still feeling so very raw from Louie’s death yesterday morning. This evening I started thinking about how he died and the flashes of him getting hit, him getting hit and drug, or him getting hit and then run over took permanent nest in my head.  Despite this horror movie marathon running through my mind today I’m not constantly crying or freaking out like yesterday. I can blame some of it on hormones, the rest was and is shock.  One of my boys was killed by someone who didnt even bother to slow down or stop after they killed him. I’mnot going to send out ill to anyone, but I pray that trusting in Karma will take care of the anger and the hate I’m feeling.

I want to find his missing tag. Robin found the missing rabies tag but there is still the bone shaped tag with his name and our address on it. I need to have his tags. S doesnt fully understand why I need them but she and R are going to help me find them when she gets home with her metal detector Sunday.

I’m going to get back to working on my websites. I’m not sure if Im ready to start writing again, it doesn’t feel right when I start to think about putting pen to paper just yet. My heart just wants to keep writing a letter to Louie and I’ve done that. I can’t let myself fester. Not this time.

Supernatural was a new one tonight. The mighty 100th episode, Point of No Return. For the first 55 minutes, I wish I was Castiel so I could beat the shit out of Dean. For once, a char did exactly what I wish I could of done if I was in that world. I’m done with Dean being the suicidal heap and the emo bitch and talking to Bobby like he’s a stranger. Sam’s look said “Dean you’re an asshole” just didnt do it for me. Sam stop being so quiet and meek!!!

The lazy screenwriting Lisa bullshit from last week is something Ill have to get over. Was the actress who played Cassie busy that week or something? Or was it just convenience to say that Lisa lied to Dean about Ben being his son when he asked her to her face? Emo Dean just needs to go.  It’s setting Dean up to either be offed or be domesticated by what was supposed to be the series’ end this May.

Sam…so mild, so meek, so, well girly. I miss him having a spark of a backbone. Yeah sure, his arrogance and mule-headed attitude brought on the Apocalypse but it’s not the end of the world. Ok it IS the end of the world, but Sam be Sam. Not this Massengil commercial version of you.

Poor Adam. I’m pretty sure Michael’s going to be riding him anyway just to push Dean and Sam’s buttons. Poor demented, vicious, Zachariah. You, like, the other great Supernatural villans were killed way too soon.  You’re up there with Gordon in my book.

April 14th, 2010

Louie

I remember meeting you for the first time as Robin carried you into the house to show Mom. You were long and blonde and so scared so you clung on to him as he showed you off to both of us. You were a miracle to us then, that someone heartless put you in that dumpster but for that friend to find you and bring you to Robin.

You and Trey got me through losing Mom and uncle Arthur and Eddie. I wouldn’t be here breathing if it wasn’t for you two.

I didnt think my heart would hurt this much with the thought of you not here.  You were Robin’s but you were mine too. I already miss walking down the hall with you following to see where I’m going. I already miss  finding you on the end of my bed, beating Trey to the spot. I already miss you  sleeping in at my feet on the weekends while Robin is away. I miss you leaning into me with your butt in position to be scratched.  I miss your tags making their changling sound as you padd up and down the hallway. I miss your yaps for attention, the playing with Trey. I miss you playing with me already.  I miss you checking up on where I was. I miss you announcing that Robin was home today.

Ive been through loss before…my mom, my uncle, my dad being sick…but losing Louie today…i feel gutted and hollow and alone even with Trey around. I need you here to take my mind off of things and to get playful with. I loved you. And I still love you.

Trey keeps waiting for you to come back in. He went looking for you each time he went outside. I wish I could of seen you this morning before you went out. To touch you and remind you that you were loved by Robin and myself.

I pray to God that you didn’t suffer but I can’t find any peace in that. I don’t know what you were chasing this morning and I wish I could of known something was off today. Id of been out there with you.  Id of done something.

You were loved Louie. Loved more than we could of ever possibly have shown you.

You were my dog too.

April 14th, 2010

I Don’t Care Anymore – Phil Collins

When someone else can say it better, why not let them speak for you?

I don’t care what you say,
I don’t play the same games you play.

Cos I’ve been talking to the people that you call your friends,
And it seems to me there’s a means to an end,
They don’t care anymore,
And as for me I can sit here and bide my time,
I got nothing to lose if I speak my mind,
I don’t care anymore, no I don’t care anymore.

Thank you, Mr. Collins.

April 12th, 2010

Harddrives are the bane of my existence.

I’m going to ramble/rant quite a bit here, as I didn’t write for the past two days and feel like I need to make up for it somehow with something NOT related to : the dogs, Supernatural, TV, reading, bad poetry or writing in general. Which is typically what I write about in my pen and paper notebook.

So I’m going to meander about one of my constant companions: my computer.

I have had this love/hate relationship with my laptop since first getting it in September 2006.
Alienware m5550ir
I love that it was mine alone and that nothing on it would “surprise” me like someones’ picture galleries used to on the old shared computer. 

I love that I had ample space to create images or websites as needed and that I could carry the entire outfit to any place in the house and keep working. Which is kinda funny as I’ve taken the system outside the house maybe 5 times over the next 3.5 years. Leaving it mostly on the desk that I’ve built an ever growing intricate collage of office detritus around it. 

I hate the heat that it generated which ultimately negated my using it anywhere but on the home desk with an industrial laptop cooling pad under neath. For a laptop, I never could keep the thing on my lap for more than 5 minutes without burning myself.

I hate that I killed the media reader on the thing with one stupid move very early in the residency and have yet been able to use any of the memory cards I’ve compiled over the years with it.

I hate that the space under the keys are getting gross as I’ve kept the rest of the machine immaculate. No dust nor no dog hair. I hate that getting under there to clean will probably end up with something else broken on the machine.

I hate that it’s now 3 going on 4 years old. It’s soon going to be time to look to another machine to depend on and Im not entirely sure I’m ready for that change. I know it’s coming soon as issues are begining to multiply and I’m not sure how many more times I’ll be able to resurrect the hard drive before the motherboard decides to head on up to the electric hereafter.  As much as I like to think I’m technologically savy, I just dont have the heart in me to gut the machine and rebuild it personally.  So a new computer it will be.

So will I keep to laptops? Migrate to a netbook for weight’s sake? Or head back to my first PC love: a desktop?

These past 4 years this machine has been my link to friends out in the world,  to keep up with the news around mybackdoor and a means for entertainment with a newfound love of MMOs.  

What a computer means to me now is not what one meant to me 5 years ago or a decade ago.  It’s when my computer is down for the count that I am quickly reminded how imporant these machines have become. It’s as central to our lives as many other appliances that we don’t really pay much attention to but depend so much upon.  I grew up thinking that people who lived without a telephone were strange and neolithic. Now when I hear people mention not being online I experience shock and wonder at the information they are missing out on. Yes, I’m a born and bred TechnoSnob.

10 years ago One Laptop Per Child was a pipe dream. Now children in financially-challenged countries have access to learning materials to bring their educations into the 21rst century, giving them better tools to lead their countries when they grow up.  

It’s going to be fascinating to see how the computer impacts life in the next 4 (10, 15, 25) years and the technology that will come into existence. 

To be honest: I can’t wait.

I’m pretty sure I’ll still be moaning about harddrives and keyboard gunk.


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