SamanthadotTk

but I’m in love with bashing things with my sticks.  Next acquisition: a snare.

Ok so far so good, TU is turning out to be business as usual. Three classes are going as they should I suppose while I wait for the fourth class to begin on Monday.  Why am I getting a “bleh” feeling?

I can finish off this degree. I can see me doing it. But what am I going to do then? Graduate school still feels right but I again question whether Library Science is me.

I’m feeling out of sort, faded and a little fuzzy-minded.

I have this wierd push-pull thing with music. I’m starting to feel that tug again. And it’s really starting to frustrate me. I thought this was over and I was heading in a direction with an unchangable projectory.

Damn it!

It’s official, I am a Thomas University student. With the official debt and stomach discomfort allotted as well.

Here’s to a new start, a new perspective, and a new life that’s beginning one step at a time.

I’m wavering back to a Masters in Library Science. Again. The end goal for this scenario is for a doctrate in MLIS or Information Sciences…if finances allow. I’d be able to teach if I wanted at a post secondary institution, eventually. In the meantime, I could specialize in a particular subset of libraries (music, medical, law, art, etc.) with the Masters and my meandering ever-expanding Bachelors. Bah, but then again, do I *want* to be added to Chibi’s collection of friends-turned-librarians?

It comes back to finding a LIS phD program to work towards…

Dear Samantha,

We received your transcript from VSU, and you will be receiving your acceptance letter in the mail within a few days…Congratulations on your acceptance, and have a wonderful day!

Sincerely,

—-

Officially I’m back, but financially I may still be up the creek.

Starting to worry that Grad School is a pipe dream now….let alone figuring out what field to study. It always comes back to $$.

Still on a PC slant with a dollop of DH on top. VSU financial cow (she was just rude, no other way to explain it) deemed me not worth reinstating. I’m not attending VSU this fall. It hasn’t hit me fully yet so I’m taking this numb feeling and just trying to distract myself.

I hate money. I hate it when I have it because it gets spent. When I dont have it, its even worse.

I’m still not sure how I feel about Kim changing jobs so soon after we started our work together. Maybe someone new is a good thing and will be an exercise in change and being able to work towards handling stress better. I dunno. I’m still kinda meh on the subject. I like her, shes got energy that I really wish I could siphon off.

I’ve started the process of gathering “documentation” for the financial aid petition. It seems like I would need an encyclopedia of papers to back up my case but maybe just the diagnostic is only what I need. Besides my narrative. Which my stomach is turning now thinking about writing. Why do I get such a physical reaction to doing things that can only lead to good things for myself?

What the hell am I afraid of?

Dad looked better today. I think the flourescent lighing at Evergreen made us all look haggard and not healthy. He was out in the yard in his pickup truck moving trash. He had much better colour on his face. Now it’s back to the waiting game for the results of his CT scan on Monday. He deserves to be healthy again. God knows he worked so hard to support us all.

My car is fine, Dad. I know you’re worried about me and think that anything outside of Thomas County is a danger to me, but I’m going to be ok. If you can’t believe that how can I ever believe it? I know you’re worried about me, but I have to grow up sometime and it wont be in Pavo. I live inside this warped cocoon and Im staying stagnant yet everyone I know is changing. I don’t want to be 40 and still stuck.  I don’t think I’d live that long living this way.

After R, S and I returned home from Dad’s party, they went out with S’s metal detector to search for Louie’s lost name tag. They didn’t find it, but Im touched they remembered.  Maybe he lost it in the house before he died and I’ve yet to come across it.

I’m still feeling so very raw from Louie’s death yesterday morning. This evening I started thinking about how he died and the flashes of him getting hit, him getting hit and drug, or him getting hit and then run over took permanent nest in my head.  Despite this horror movie marathon running through my mind today I’m not constantly crying or freaking out like yesterday. I can blame some of it on hormones, the rest was and is shock.  One of my boys was killed by someone who didnt even bother to slow down or stop after they killed him. I’mnot going to send out ill to anyone, but I pray that trusting in Karma will take care of the anger and the hate I’m feeling.

I want to find his missing tag. Robin found the missing rabies tag but there is still the bone shaped tag with his name and our address on it. I need to have his tags. S doesnt fully understand why I need them but she and R are going to help me find them when she gets home with her metal detector Sunday.

I’m going to get back to working on my websites. I’m not sure if Im ready to start writing again, it doesn’t feel right when I start to think about putting pen to paper just yet. My heart just wants to keep writing a letter to Louie and I’ve done that. I can’t let myself fester. Not this time.

Supernatural was a new one tonight. The mighty 100th episode, Point of No Return. For the first 55 minutes, I wish I was Castiel so I could beat the shit out of Dean. For once, a char did exactly what I wish I could of done if I was in that world. I’m done with Dean being the suicidal heap and the emo bitch and talking to Bobby like he’s a stranger. Sam’s look said “Dean you’re an asshole” just didnt do it for me. Sam stop being so quiet and meek!!!

The lazy screenwriting Lisa bullshit from last week is something Ill have to get over. Was the actress who played Cassie busy that week or something? Or was it just convenience to say that Lisa lied to Dean about Ben being his son when he asked her to her face? Emo Dean just needs to go.  It’s setting Dean up to either be offed or be domesticated by what was supposed to be the series’ end this May.

Sam…so mild, so meek, so, well girly. I miss him having a spark of a backbone. Yeah sure, his arrogance and mule-headed attitude brought on the Apocalypse but it’s not the end of the world. Ok it IS the end of the world, but Sam be Sam. Not this Massengil commercial version of you.

Poor Adam. I’m pretty sure Michael’s going to be riding him anyway just to push Dean and Sam’s buttons. Poor demented, vicious, Zachariah. You, like, the other great Supernatural villans were killed way too soon.  You’re up there with Gordon in my book.