Still waiting for VSU FA committee to render a decision on my future. Dad’s back in the hospital and his prognosis looks worse and worse with each passing day. And I’ve developed a Phil Collins’ fixation.
I really don’t know which is going to end me first.
So I’ve spent the last week or so not writing in my notebook and barely writing on here. I’ve repeated my goodbyes to Louie and rambled about my state of mind during those days. Am I any better this week? Unless someone asks me directly what’s going on, I try not to dwell on Louie being gone. I’ve spent more time keeping an eye on Treyford; paying attention to his pained whining and his not wanting to eat much of anything. Am I worried about him? I think he misses his packmate and doesnt know what to do with himself without Louie around to give him a role to play. I sound like Im channeling Ceasar the Dog Whisperer but I have a feeling that that is what’s going on with the labrador.
R suggested that we think about getting Trey a younger playmate. The idea of getting another dog isn’t something that >I’m< ready for. I don’t think Trey would take well to another dog if he’s already suffering from stress. This is the same dog that bit me and I took his testicals away to calm him down. I think I know him well enough to figure out how to get him through this. Another dog, although we have the space and the care for an animal in need, just isn’t what we need right now. It’s the same mentality that Dad had when we got Eddie so soon after Brownie passed so horribly.
Ok, so I’m still venting out some of this grief.
I really don’t know who the hell is coming to this site, but you’re just wasting your time thinking you’re gonna find anything special or illicit.
I need to get to working on the CD for Dad, the test for Kelly and the want-to-do list for Kimberly. Three tasks that I agreed to do, why can’t I light a fire under my ass and get them done? I listened to the requests and said yes willingly, but there’s just no drive to get them done.
I keep looking at computer manufacturers’ websites with the hope that one day soon I can get a new system and replace my Alienware. I’ve written about my laptop before, its still a good computer if I don’t need to rely on it. Games or anything that doesn’t require storage as my computer keeps requiring reformatting from time to time.
Chibi recently got a Sony Vaio Z. I have to admit, the E series is up my ally. Yes, I will have to have the matching pink keyboard cover.
I remember meeting you for the first time as Robin carried you into the house to show Mom. You were long and blonde and so scared so you clung on to him as he showed you off to both of us. You were a miracle to us then, that someone heartless put you in that dumpster but for that friend to find you and bring you to Robin.
You and Trey got me through losing Mom and uncle Arthur and Eddie. I wouldn’t be here breathing if it wasn’t for you two.
I didnt think my heart would hurt this much with the thought of you not here. You were Robin’s but you were mine too. I already miss walking down the hall with you following to see where I’m going. I already miss finding you on the end of my bed, beating Trey to the spot. I already miss you sleeping in at my feet on the weekends while Robin is away. I miss you leaning into me with your butt in position to be scratched. I miss your tags making their changling sound as you padd up and down the hallway. I miss your yaps for attention, the playing with Trey. I miss you playing with me already. I miss you checking up on where I was. I miss you announcing that Robin was home today.
Ive been through loss before…my mom, my uncle, my dad being sick…but losing Louie today…i feel gutted and hollow and alone even with Trey around. I need you here to take my mind off of things and to get playful with. I loved you. And I still love you.
Trey keeps waiting for you to come back in. He went looking for you each time he went outside. I wish I could of seen you this morning before you went out. To touch you and remind you that you were loved by Robin and myself.
I pray to God that you didn’t suffer but I can’t find any peace in that. I don’t know what you were chasing this morning and I wish I could of known something was off today. Id of been out there with you. Id of done something.
You were loved Louie. Loved more than we could of ever possibly have shown you.
You were my dog too.
I’m going to ramble/rant quite a bit here, as I didn’t write for the past two days and feel like I need to make up for it somehow with something NOT related to : the dogs, Supernatural, TV, reading, bad poetry or writing in general. Which is typically what I write about in my pen and paper notebook.
So I’m going to meander about one of my constant companions: my computer.
I have had this love/hate relationship with my laptop since first getting it in September 2006.
I love that it was mine alone and that nothing on it would “surprise” me like someones’ picture galleries used to on the old shared computer.
I love that I had ample space to create images or websites as needed and that I could carry the entire outfit to any place in the house and keep working. Which is kinda funny as I’ve taken the system outside the house maybe 5 times over the next 3.5 years. Leaving it mostly on the desk that I’ve built an ever growing intricate collage of office detritus around it.
I hate the heat that it generated which ultimately negated my using it anywhere but on the home desk with an industrial laptop cooling pad under neath. For a laptop, I never could keep the thing on my lap for more than 5 minutes without burning myself.
I hate that I killed the media reader on the thing with one stupid move very early in the residency and have yet been able to use any of the memory cards I’ve compiled over the years with it.
I hate that the space under the keys are getting gross as I’ve kept the rest of the machine immaculate. No dust nor no dog hair. I hate that getting under there to clean will probably end up with something else broken on the machine.
I hate that it’s now 3 going on 4 years old. It’s soon going to be time to look to another machine to depend on and Im not entirely sure I’m ready for that change. I know it’s coming soon as issues are begining to multiply and I’m not sure how many more times I’ll be able to resurrect the hard drive before the motherboard decides to head on up to the electric hereafter. As much as I like to think I’m technologically savy, I just dont have the heart in me to gut the machine and rebuild it personally. So a new computer it will be.
So will I keep to laptops? Migrate to a netbook for weight’s sake? Or head back to my first PC love: a desktop?
These past 4 years this machine has been my link to friends out in the world, to keep up with the news around mybackdoor and a means for entertainment with a newfound love of MMOs.
What a computer means to me now is not what one meant to me 5 years ago or a decade ago. It’s when my computer is down for the count that I am quickly reminded how imporant these machines have become. It’s as central to our lives as many other appliances that we don’t really pay much attention to but depend so much upon. I grew up thinking that people who lived without a telephone were strange and neolithic. Now when I hear people mention not being online I experience shock and wonder at the information they are missing out on. Yes, I’m a born and bred TechnoSnob.
10 years ago One Laptop Per Child was a pipe dream. Now children in financially-challenged countries have access to learning materials to bring their educations into the 21rst century, giving them better tools to lead their countries when they grow up.
It’s going to be fascinating to see how the computer impacts life in the next 4 (10, 15, 25) years and the technology that will come into existence.
To be honest: I can’t wait.
I’m pretty sure I’ll still be moaning about harddrives and keyboard gunk.
Ok so my week is already backasswards. I thought it was Saturday when I woke up this morning. I was ready to do what I usually do on Saturday: sweep the house, take out the trash, straighten up a bit before Sunday hits and I’m no longer alone at home. So I start and about halfway through I realize things aren’t as dirty or dusty or trashy(i know wrong usage but Im being artsy fartsy) and I stopped and checked messages. Nope, it was a Thursday alright.
Ok, so I’m not that weirded out so much with missing days. Eventually I catch up. I’m sure…
Thank GOD it turned out to be a Thursday! Tonight’s Supernatural was awesome as it was a Bobby-centric episode. Seeing Bobby’s wife and how Bobby’s guilt over the past is still with him made me fall for him all over again. Sam and Dean though, both were so dense and clueless. Dean was all too eager to start shooting; Sam was in herbal tea and Messengil mode.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and say you’ve never been in love. He’s my husband. My job is to bring him peace, not pain.
Karen Singer
I think the part that broke my heart wide open wasn’t the scene where Dean walks in after Bobby had to do what he did, it was the scene in the kitchen between Dean, the pies, and Karen. When she said that Dean had obviously never been in love after he couldn’t process why she never told Bobby about remembering what had happened. You could see that Bobby had his soul mate and knew it and had to choose to end her suffering after the demon took over. I don’t think I could walk/wheel around with that burden in my heart and still function. Bobby will always be my favourite character on this show.
Dean and Sam are the eye candy sure, but Bobby is the heart and the soul in one bearded package. And again, Kripke if you kill off Bobby as this season wraps up, you will have lost all credibility with me as a fan of your show but of the genre you represent. Don’t wuss out and take out Bobby as an easy emotional hand jerk to get the story moving forward. Use some imagination and come up with something better than the Winchesters losing yet another father. I’ve with you since before episode 1 aired. I’ve sat through Bella and Ruby without bitching like a Twilidiot. You CAN do better.
And back to Sam: Jesus was he whiny tonight. He was creeped out by a coughing woman? Seriously? Next, he’ll be taking out the wet wipes and antibacterial spray when getting in and out of the Impala.
**Copied from Facebook for Lifestream doesn’t want to retrieve my RSS feeds**
I think Im losing my mind. 6 wrong numbers today to my cell and my Google Voice, 3 messages from a confirmed Barnes and Noble to an email that I use as a backup telling me someone else is trying to use it, and I can’t log into my blog. Did I irk the electronic gods today?
I should of read my horoscope when I first got up this morning. I’ve had a fascination with the paranormal since I got out of diapers. Today that curiosity kicked up and I’ve been trying to research local ghost stories and folklore off and on all day long. Earlier tonight, the local historical society posted about an o…ld fire in Thomasville and someone began talking about spectres being sighted in the vicinity I immediately jumped in asking for more information (and is still waiting). My question is: do I really want to “spend some quiet time alone” with my overly-productive imagination after reading all this? lol
Discovered two things today that kinda shocked me:
1. This area was home to Creek AND Seminoles. For some reason I assumed only Creek were in this part. I’ve got a hankering to learn more about these people. Maybe the spark of something was ignited on Saturday after all from the Seminole discussion. Dad was telling me about the arrowheads he would find around the old fresh water spring behind the Green homestead where he grew up. Maybe I’m not that far detached after all.
2. Thomasville has a writers’ club. I was kinda dumbfounded with that bit of trivia. I’d never heard nor read anything supporting such a group in town. Makes me wonder if it’s something new or possibly something borderline exclusive. What group doesn’t advertise for members?
I really enjoy the writing. Even the journaling as well. I think this is what I’m supposed to be doing now, but that doubt the negative-self keeps making its voice heard that I’m wasting time yet again.
One step at a time. One letter. One word. And STOP GETTING AHEAD OF YOURSELF.
I keep getting reminded how much more there is do in Tallahassee and how dead southwest Georgia usually is. This afternoon I attended the Tallahassee Book Festival at the Turnbull Center and had a rather entertained time. I sat in on two free/public sessions and although I didnt learn anything specific, I did get to listen in on a few local authors talk about their love of writing and the topics that are near and dear to their hearts.
Dr. Holt asked me what I wrote and I just stammered and said Supernatural and general Fiction. I was so out of my league.
2011
Next year will be my year. I will have stories. I will have something to show for the 365 days until the next conference.
My latest little online time waster/entertainment black hole is Make It or Break It.
I’ve been watching Secret Life of the American Teen off and on for a few months now. What IS it with these ABC Family shows being so bad yet so compelling to watch at the same time? Theres nothing like them on the other channels. Aside from Supernatural, there is no reason to watch TV anymore. Maybe these shows are proving me wrong.
I’ve been looking at the calendar all day getting this weird queasy feeling in my stomach, sure part of it is something funky running rampant through the house, but I think the heart of it is realizing that it was 20 years ago today that I had my first surgery for my knee.
